Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Second Time Around

It has been a week+ since my second child arrived and life is good...for the most part.

Postpartum OCD is rearing its ugly head again, but this time around it's very different.  Within days of having Sophie, the intrusive/scary thoughts returned. They are scary scary thoughts and I fight the urge to hide sharp objects all day long. When I can cut fruit for my oldest with Sophie in a baby sling- it's a huge victory.

It's different this time because I am able to convince myself I will not hurt myself or my baby...that these are just thoughts that just come with a horrible disease...symptoms just like runny nose or high blood pressure...symptoms I can get help controlling.  It's also different because it isn't coupled with deep depression and feeling like a complete failure--thank the Lord!

I do have days when I get angry and frustrated.  I get angry because sleep deprivation control is key to making things okay for me with PPOCD.  I get angry because I wish I could plow through and just be exhausted instead of being exhausted and scared of my thoughts.  I had such high expectations of a PPD/PPOCD-free postpartum period this time around which leaves me frustrated and extremely disappointed. Additionally, I can't watch my favorite show right now... Game of Thrones...it's a trigger and gives my mind way too many new ideas for intrusive thoughts.  Ugh- so frustrating as this is one of my favorite things to do with my hubby... we like to analyze the show and it's always fun speculating which characters will thrive and survive.

Breastfeeding has also been emotionally confusing and frustrating . Sophie loves to cluster feed so there are times in my day when I'm stuck on a couch or my feeding char for HOURS.  It drives me nuts.  Before I had her, I was convinced that I would be just fine with formula feeding if I needed to, but the overwhelming feelings of guilt has made me decide to do both for now.  I can't let go of breastfeeding because I actually do enjoy the bonding.  I also feel incredibly guilty for formula feeding or when Jon has to take a night feeding...like I am skirting my responsibilities as a mother.  The funny things is if I had a friend say to me that she felt guilty for having her husband help or any of the other feelings I am feeling.... my advice for her would be to do what works for her and not feel guilty because the baby is fine and healthy and a healthy mom is just as important as feeding the baby what people have called "liquid gold".

All of the above aside, it has been a joy to share this experience with big sis Aurelia.  She has been very very helpful (when she wants to be).  She loves her little sister so much and has a hard time staying out of Sophie's face.  Sophie has also brought Jon and I closer- something I didn't think was possible.  Seeing him be with our girls and having him as my rock and support has been so reassuring and calming.  He is always here to remind me my journey in motherhood is just right- that I am a good mamma to our girls and that no matter what, he will be around to help me get through this period.

Last night was a good night.  Sophie slept from 11p-5a and then went right back to sleep.

Heres to hoping that I continue to get good sleep and can enjoy the amazing MN summer!